Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
