I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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