fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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