Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
