i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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