I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
