in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
