So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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