did you get engaged???
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
