Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize