i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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