i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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