you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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