That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
