omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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