In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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