The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
