we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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