How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
