Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I faked an abortion last night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
