You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
