I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
