After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
