I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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