Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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