he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
