i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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