Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
