my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
