you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
