How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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