This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
