Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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