Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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