Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
