I wish I could punch you in the face.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
