how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
if i can run in heels then i can drive
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
