So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
