They should really pass out barf bags in church
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
