I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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