I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
