So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
