My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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