if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
