mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
