You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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