my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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