im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize