They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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