Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
