Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
