My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
