census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
