Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
