On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize