I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
