I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
