I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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