I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
