So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
