Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think my moral compass just broke
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
