Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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