can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
