After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I still have a little drunk in my system
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
