i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
