My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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