Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize