OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
