I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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