I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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