So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
