I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
