Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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